remembering a little life.

I usually post about fun stories or daily life happenings on here.
Mostly having to do with my little crazy nugget.

Today is different. 

Yesterday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. {You can read more about it here.}

And today I'm going to share with you a story about another little nugget.

My first baby. My precious angel baby.

I wasn't sure if I could write this post or even if I wanted to share this piece of my heart with you.

But the other day one of my good bloggy friends posted a picture to Instagram and I knew. 

I knew I needed to share my story because there most likely are quite a few of you out there who have had {or are having}a similar experience.

The thing is, I never knew how common it was to lose a baby. 

And the word "common" seems a million times too harsh of a word to use.

Because to those who have gone through this, there is absolutely nothing that feels "common" about it.

It feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest.

Like you can't breathe.

Why is this happening to us? To me?

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and that God knew what he was doing by not allowing us to have that baby. But that didn't make it any easier to deal with at the time.

I found out I was pregnant while on vacation in July of 2010.

We hadn't really been trying, but we were hoping to start a family very soon.

So this was a welcome surprise. I remember telling Hubs outside our beach house with the stars looking down on us and the sound of the waves crashing and thinking how perfect it all was.

We were excited. But we didn't tell anyone yet.

After we returned home {we were still living in DC at this point} I set up the infamous first doctor's appointment to confirm everything. I went. Everything looked good. I was pregnant!

About a two weeks later I was at work and I went to the bathroom.

Red. Bright red. I could feel my face turning white.

This wasn't supposed to be happening.

Thank goodness it was the summer and a Friday and we were working a half day.

I drove myself to the doctor's office.

Oh, they said. Bleeding in the first trimester is normal. Some women bleed throughout their entire pregnancy, ha ha. The nurse was smiling. I didn't understand how she could be smiling.

Still, they took blood to test my HCG levels {this term would become all too familiar} and ordered up an ultrasound. Something that should be fun for parents-to-be became anything but.

Because somehow, I knew.

That first ultrasound showed a five-week, five-day gestation sac but no baby yet. Doctor said it probably was too early to see anything, come back in a week.

Over the next few weeks I was going in for checkups every couple of days and had three more ultrasounds. HCG levels were rising as they should. Baby measured small but had a heartbeat.

But I was still spotting and gun-shy and I just had a bad feeling. The doctors and nurses didn't seem all happy and excited and how I figured they would be acting to a normal pregnancy.

We prayed. We asked God to allow this baby to continue to grow.

I just figured that somehow, this all would turn around and be okay.

Another ultrasound and there it was. Couldn't find a heartbeat.

Baby was still measuring six weeks when it should be at nine. I'm sorry.

I had to schedule a D&C. But I wanted one more ultrasound {at a different office}.

Something just didn't sit right with going ahead and taking my baby away without a second opinion.

And that's another thing. Do you know what another name is for a miscarriage? Spontaneous abortion.

I hated that. Because what I was going through had absolutely nothing to do with an abortion.
We wanted that baby. We loved that baby.
Our baby had been alive. It had a heartbeat. It had a soul.

That last ultrasound showed the same results and my D&C was a go.

August 20, 2010.

A month after finding out I was pregnant and my baby was in heaven.

A month of appointments and tests and worry. Why?

Another thing they don't warn you about is how you'll feel afterwards.

How your hormones come crashing down. How you find yourself sitting in on the closet floor breaking down from the enormity of it all. How everyone you see everywhere you go is pregnant. And you're not.

The only solace I had was thinking of our little angel baby in the arms of my grandma, them both looking down on us with smiles.
And knowing that because of her/him, Hubs and I found our way back to God.

Two and a half years later and we have our baby girl who just celebrated her first birthday.
We love her more than anything.
And she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that first little life.

Today I Honor:
Baby M - 08/20/10 {due date 03/24/11}

I'll meet you and get to hold you someday, little one.

Thank you to Sarah from The Fontenot Four and Salena from A Little Piece of Me for hosting this amazing link up to honor all mothers who've experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. 
You've given our babies a place in this world.